*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*

(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

(The future isn't what it used to be....)

"CARD CAPTOR SCIENCE THEATER 3000" (SEASON THREE)

EPISODE 26: THE ONLY CONSTANT

(A Star Trek: The Next Generation MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Card Captor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment

purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or

trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

“Card Captor Sakura” is a trademark of CLAMP and those who distribute it.

“Star Trek: The Next Generation” is the property of the late Gene Roddenberry (which, alas hasn’t stopped the endless spin-offs) and a bunch of guys at Paramount.

“The Only Constant” is the property of Stephen Ratliff and he’s welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him by making fun of his work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as another form of C&C. ;)

 
(Cue "Card Captor Science Theater 3000 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....)
 
It's the not-too-distant future,
Last Sunday BC
There was this girl named Sakura
Quite different from you or me
She captured Clow Cards with her friends
All seen through Tomoyo’s camera lens
They tried to save the human race,
But Eriol lost his patience
So he shot them into space!!!!
  
Sakura: (Hoeeee……)
 
Syaoran and Tomoyo: (Now what?)
 
We'll send them crappy fanfics
The worst we can find (lalala)
They'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor their minds (lalala)
 
Now keep in mind they can't control
When the fanfics begin or end (lalala)
Because, let’s face it, after all
Eriol’s not really their friend;
 
CARD CAPTOR ROLL CALL:
 
Meiling:
'I’m baaaaaack!’
 
Tomoyo:
'Say “Cheese”!'
 
Syaoran:
'Raitei Shourai!!'
 
KEROOOOOOO!!!
'That’s Cerberus to you.'
 
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
And other science facts (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
For Card Captor Science Theater 3000!!!

**

DEEP 13

15:25 Hours.

TV’s Ruby Moon, an assistant of the evil mastermind, Dr. Eriol Hiiragazawa, carried the metal box as far away from her as possible. And with good reason since the box was sealed with four locks and had a biohazard and a surgeon general’s warning on it.

“Uh… sir…” she said as she set the box down very carefully as if expecting it to bite. “I got the fanfic for this week’s experiment from the vaults.”

Eriol quickly turned from his research and strode over to the box, rubbing his hands eagerly. “Yes!” he shouted. “It’s here.”

Eriol’s other assitant, TV’s Spinel Sun looked up from his reading. “What’s so special about that fanfic anyway? If ‘Temples, Captors And Knights’ didn’t break them…”

“Not to mention, ‘Syaoran: Romeo… Not Really’.” Ruby Moon added.

“What makes you think this one will do it?” Spinel Sun inquired.

Eriol smirked. “Because this fanfic is from the most acclaimed bad author of all time… The Ed Wood of fanfiction!”

Spinel Sun and Ruby Moon gasped and took a step back. “Y-you don’t mean… HIM!”

“Yes…” Eriol said in his most evil tone as the room darkened dramatically and lightning flashed behind him for no real reason. “It’s… him…”

**

THE SATELLITE OF LOVE

“Okay,” said Kero. “I have one.”

“Shoot,” said Sakura as she continued to work at her control console.

“Who’s the better violin player? Asuka Langley Sohryu or Michiru Kaiou?” Kero asked.

“Asuka,” Syaoran said immediately.

“You would say that,” Tomoyo said smirking.

“I’ve heard her play,” Syaoran replied. “Besides, they say great art comes from suffering and I think Asuka has suffered more than Michiru.”

“He’s got a point there,” said Sakura.

“Okay,” said Kero. “Who has a paler complexion, Rei Ayanami or Tomoyo?”

“Hey!!” Tomoyo snapped.

“Well, that one is harder,” said Meiling.

“I’m not amused by this…” Tomoyo grumbled.

“Could be worse, Daidouji.” Syaoran said.

“How so?” Tomoyo asked.

“He could’ve asked; Who’s more in love with their camcorder? Tomoyo or Kensuke?”

There was a brief pause. “Tomoyo,” the others said simultaneously.

“Oh, ha, ha!” Tomoyo grumbled sarcastically.

“How about this,” said Sakura. “Whose the better redheaded giant robot pilot, Asuka or Elhaym Van Houten from ‘Xenogears’?”

Pause. “That is a hard one,” said Tomoyo.

Just then, the light on the console flashed. “Heads up!” Meiling announced. “Bubbles, Blossom and Buttercup are calling!” She reached over and gave the button a smack.

**

DEEP 13

“Greetings, my teenaged goofballs,” said Eriol with more cheer than usual.

“You seem happy today, sir,” said Tomoyo.

“Indeed I am, my little camera wielding plum blossom,” Eriol said with a smirk. “Which is why I’ve decided to skip the Clow card exchange for the week to skip straight to the experiment.”

“And keep in mind we had nothing to do with this one,” said Ruby Moon.

“Me either,” said Spinel Sun.

“Shut up, goofballs!” Eriol snapped.

Sakura, Syaoran, Tomoyo and Kero glanced at each other.

“Getting nervous, duckies?” Eriol said with a smirk. “You should be. This week’s fanfic features the one true goddess among Mary Sues. It’s Marrissa Amber Flores Picard and her god-child Kid’s Crew who get involved in the most boring war in history. It also features a presidential brat and a lot of pointless babble, but you already knew that, didn’t you? It’s time for deep hurting with ‘The Only Constant’ by the Ed Wood of fanfics, the one and only Stephen Ratliff. Serve up the pain, Ruby Moon.”

Ruby Moon grabbed a radiation helmet and some very long tongs before going to get the fanfic.

**

THE SATELLITE OF LOVE

“Awwwww, man!” Kero whimpered. “A Ratliff fic…”

Sakura shrugged. “So we face a Marrissa fic. At least it’s not Syaoran’s Lovertoy.”

“I guess that’s something…” Syaoran muttered.

Suddenly, alarms and sirens rang out.

“OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!” Sakura cried out.

(Door 6: It shatters like glass.)

(Door 5: It’s made of ofudas. Syaoran recites an incantation and they burn away.)

(Door 4: It’s made of bars. They rise into the ceiling.)

(Door 3: It’s made of sleeping plushies. They suddenly wake up and scamper away.)

(Door 2: It’s a set of elevator doors. They open with a ‘ping’ sound.)

(Door 1: It’s a trap door. You fall through it.)

(Door .7: The camera pans downward where a giant vault door starts to open. A sudden rush of air sucks you through.)

Sakura, Syaoran, Tomoyo and Kero-Chan fall through the vault door and land in their seats while Kero-Chan floats overhead.

> Star Trek
>The Next Generation
 
Kero: What is the only Star Trek series that was worth watching, Alex?
 
Sakura: Ouch!
 
Syaoran: We’re gonna catch hell with Trekkies for that one. 
 
>The Only Constant
 
Syaoran: The only constant in the Marrissaverse is that Marrissa IS God!
 
Kero: Yes! Strawberries, plot contrivances, God-like Mary Sues and lousy spelling! Thank you, Ratliff!
 
>A Marrissa Story
 
Tomoyo:<singing> What’s the story, morning glory?
 
>by Stephen Ratliff
 
Syaoran: The Ed Wood of Fanfiction and damn proud of it!
 
Sakura: I guess it takes some kind of skill to take an obscure one shot character and make her the smug Godgirl star of a billion 
fanfics.
 
>Prologue
 
Sakura: The Book Of Genesis According To Marrissa, 1:1
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa> In the beginning, there was me. And I saw that it was good. 
 
> With the capture of former Starfleet Commander Michael Eddington, 
 
Kero: Someone’s kidnapping Starfleet retirees?
 
Syaoran:<kidnapper> We want your pension cheque, old man!
 
>the Cardassian Federation Demilitarized Zone had become a quite patrol. 
 
Tomoyo: Quite!
 
Sakura: Bravo, darling!
 
Kero: Absolutely smashing, dear!
 
>The Maquis had seemingly stopped there military activities in the zone. 
 
Sakura: The who?
 
Kero: I think that’s the rebel group Chakotay belonged to.
 
Syaoran: Well, we just started and Ratliff’s already messing up his homonyms.
 
>True the Maquis still controlled three Intrepid Class Starships, 
 
Kero: Whatever that means.
 
Syaoran: I bet Steve spends a lot of time with his Trek technical manuals comparing the ship classes.
 
>but the Stargazer hadn't seen any of them since they had rescued the Roanoke. 
 
Tomoyo: Roanoke?
 
Sakura: Sounds like Princess Mononoke’s evil twin.
 
> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard was commanding during Beta
>Shift. 
 
Syaoran: After, she’s go back to her quarters and watch Rintaro’s “Metropolis” for the thirty thousandth time.
 
Kero: Marrissa loves movies about blond girls who have God-like powers? Who knew?
 
Tomoyo: At least Tima had a personality.
 
Sakura: Ouch!
 
>She was getting a little bored with the routine of late. 
 
Sakura:<Marrissa> Where’s the blood and carnage I was hoping for?
 
>She had enjoyed her first two months on the Stargazer. 
 
Kero: But now she wanted to move on to conquering the universe.
 
>Her missions as Fighter Commander had been very exciting.
 
Kero:<Marrissa> Mark Hamill has nothin’ on me!
 
> A beep came from the tactical station behind her. 
 
Syaoran: Someone’s censoring the officers again.
 
>Lieutenant Ross Lochard who was manning the station announced, 
 
Syaoran:<Lochard> I’M GEORGE TAKEI, DAMMIT!
 
Kero:<Lochard> Would the owner of a shuttlecraft, license BRD529, please report the bay, you’re parked in the wrong space.
 
>"We have a ship exiting the DMZ at 152 mark 4, distance 3 parsecs 
 
Sakura: DMZ? Is that anything like the DMV?
 
>No identification is being broadcast."
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa> Well, I guess we can’t sell them any booze or cigarettes, huh?
 
> "Set a course to intercept them, warp 5," Marrissa ordered.
 
Kero:<Shadow> Go, Interceptor!
 
>"Notify the Captain of our change in course."
 
Sakura:<Marrissa> Better keep the pathetic weenie informed of my Godly decisions.
 
> "Aye sir."
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa a la Maj. Houlihan> It’s Ma’am!
 
Syaoran:<Lochard a la Radar> Yes, sir… Ma’am!!
 
>Chapter One
 
Kero: The Phantom Menace.
 
> The ship was dark. 
 
Syaoran:<Ryoga> This ship is a dark and lonely place.
 
>Only a couple lights on the control panels were illuminating the room. 
 
Tomoyo: Ooh… Spooky!
 
Kero: Any minute now, Sigourney Weaver is going to show up in her underwear.
 
Sakura: Kero…
 
>Captain Chelsea Clinton grasp at the helm of her spaceship. 
 
All: Captain WHO?!
 
Sakura: Chelsea must be desperate to get away from her parents.
 
Tomoyo:<Chelsea> I’m so sick of Dad trying to grope my girlfriends and offer them cigars.
 
>Minutes earlier she had been orbiting Saturn. 
 
Tomoyo:<Chelsea> Does this bug you? We’re not touching you.
 
Sakura:<Hotaru> Back off! Don’t make me bring the Silence down on you!!
 
>Now her ship seemed to be dead in space. 
 
Kero: The ship has died. Quit or Retry?
 
>"Shoemate, Deigo, Venci," she called out.
 
<All giggle uncontrollably>
 
Kero: Sh-Shoemate?!
 
Syaoran: Must be one of Ensign Throwaway’s relatives.
 
> "I hear you Captain," Jason Shoemate's voice called from back at
>Communications. 
 
Kero:<Chelsea> Oh, yuck! Stop doing that with my high heels!
 
Sakura: Kero…
 
>"Venci is over here, she's out."
 
Tomoyo: Venci, this is kind of a bad time to announce your lesbianism.
 
Kero:<Venci> Hey, captain! Let’s have some lovin’ before the oxygen runs out.
 
Sakura: Oh, brother…
 
> "Deigo, here," another man's voice announced. "What happened."
 
Tomoyo:<Venci> Apparently, our question marks are off-line.
 
> "You tell me Ensign," Clinton responded. "You're the pilot.
>Get yourself over here and find out. 
 
Kero:<giggles> Ouch!
 
Syaoran:<Deigo> Yes, captain! Just promise not to use the electrodes again!
 
>Shoemate, can you get us some power?"
 
Tomoyo:<Chelsea> I thought I told you to leave those sneakers alone!!
 
> "Give me a minute," Shoemate responded. "I think we can blame
>this on Venci, 
 
Kero:<Shoemate> Lord knows it couldn’t be my fault.
 
>her foot seems to have knocked the Power Supply Controller out of it's socket."
 
All:<muted trumpet imitation> Wah-wah-wah-waaaaahhh!
 
Syaoran: I guess someone tripped over the cord.
 
> "I thought there was a screen over that," Deigo said.
 
Syaoran: You know, to keep the bugs away.
 
> "Well it's gone now. Bingo." 
 
All:<singing> Was his name-o!
 
>Power came up on the bridge. It revealed rather cramped quarters. 
>The helm was built attached to the forward screen. The Captain's Chair was to 
>the right near the back and Communications opposite it. A plaque was behind 
>the Captain's chair. It read: 
 
Kero: Four out of five dentists recommend Trident to prevent me.
 
>USS Stargazer USA-75, Exploratory Class. Commissioned 2008.
>The rest of the bridge was painted a gray silver, matching the hull coat
>outside. 
 
Kero: Please, every ship in Star Trek is gray silver.
 
> "Captain, I've got bad news." Deigo announced suddenly, after
>Chelsea had time to survey her bridge.
> "What is it Ensign?" Clinton asked.
 
Kero:<Deigo> The Dirty Pair are taking potshots at us again.
 
Tomoyo:<Chelsea> Damn you, Adam Warren! I’ll get you for this!
 
> "We aren't orbiting Saturn anymore."
 
Kero: Hotaru gave up and went home.
 
> "Shoemate, go wake up Stella," 
 
Syaoran: STEELLLLLAAAA!!!
 
>Clinton began in rapid fire.
 
Sakura:<Venci> GAH! We’re doing it! Just stop shooting at us!
 
>"Brief her and see what you two can find where we are. Take Venci to
>Sickbay and wake up Doctor Chiba. 
 
All:<sniggers>
 
Kero: Nice to see Mamoru’s still getting out.
 
Kero:<Dr. Chiba> Hey, captain. Want a rose?
 
Sakura:<Chelsea> Back off, tux-boy.
 
>Deigo, I want a full scan. Perhaps if we can find a landmark we can find a way home.
 
Kero: What are you hoping for? The Lincoln Memorial to come floating by?
 
> Captain T'Gwen Washington entered the bridge of the fighter
>carrier Stargazer. She had been working on a evaluation of the
>Stargazer, in order to assist Admiral Scott on the conversion of
>additional Constellation Class Starships to the Stargazer carrier
>variant. 
 
Kero: Admiral Scott? Wouldn’t he be, like, over a hundred by now?
 
>But when the call about the incursion came in, it peaked her
>interest. The Maquis had been quiet since Eddington's capture. True
>there had been some sort of elections in the DMZ, but 
 
Syaoran: They were still counting the votes in Florida.
 
>the Intrepid Class Starships that they had stolen seemed to be staying away from any sign
>of conflict, and the raiders had not even been seen of late.
 
Sakura: They were off looking for the Ark Of The Covenant.
 
> "Commander Picard, status please," the half-Vulcan captain
>inquired.
 
Tomoyo:<looks around> Spock’s here?
 
> "We've just dropped out of warp," Marrissa Picard responded. "I
>have the ship on screen." A long cylinder like ship with several
>projections was on the viewscreen. "There is nothing like it I can find
>in our database. It seems to be only sub-light capable. I have no idea
>how it got way out here."
 
Kero: That’s easy. It fell through a plot hole.
 
Sakura: That happens a lot in the Marrissaverse
 
> "I think I know what it is, and I'm even more puzzled as to how
>it got here," Captain Washington responded. "Scan for markings ... if
>I'm right that's the original Stargazer."
 
Syaoran: Fortunately, Washington was familiar with Earth ship designs of three hundred years ago.
 
> "That doesn't look like a Starfleet vessel," Marrissa commented.
 
Sakura:<Marrissa> I suggest we blow them up.
 
Tomoyo:<Washington> That’s what you always suggest.
 
> "It's not, if I'm right ..."
> "Confirmed Captain," Lieutenant Lochard responded..
 
Syaoran:<Lochard> We have no personalities.
 
Kero:<Lochard> We’re trapped in a crappy fanfic.
 
Syaoran:<Lochard> It isn’t butter.
 
> "... That is the USS Stargazer USA-75, commissioned 2008 second
>of the Exploratory Class ships which explored the outer solar system.
>She disappeared in 2010. No sign of her was ever found."
 
Kero: Thank you, Robert Stack.
 
> Jose Deigo blinked. 
 
Kero:<Deigo> Huh? Am I on?
 
> He was sure that hadn't been there before.
 
Syaoran: The Stargazer has a cloaking device?
 
> "Captain," he called out.
> Captain Clinton came up beside him. "Yes Ensign."
 
Syaoran:<Deigo> We are so screwed.
 
> "I just found another ship ... but I was sure nothing was that
>close and it has this strange receding sensor echo."
 
Tomoyo: To go with the Captain’s receding hairline.
 
Sakura: You’re thinking of the Enterprise.
 
Tomoyo: Oh.
 
> "That's one big ship," Clinton responded. "Can you find any
>identifying markings?"
 
Syaoran:<Deigo> Well, the words “We were beaten by a bunch of kids” are carved into it.
 
Kero:<Deigo> Yeah. There’s a really ugly scar that looks like Kathy Lee Gifford on the hull.
 
> "Scanning now ..." Deigo said. 
 
Syaoran:<Deigo> Just give me a minute to get these vacation shots on my computer.
 
>He expected that any markings he found would be in some language he'd never seen before. 
>He didn't expect English, and he certainly didn't expect it to read what it did.
 
Syaoran:<Deigo> Oh my GOD!! It’s the ship from 2001!!
 
Sakura:<Chelsea> Computer, can you confirm that?
 
Kero:<HAL 9000> I’m… sor-ry… Chel-sea… I… can-not… do… that…
 
>"Captain, you're not going to believe this..." He pointed out the
>screen.
 
Kero:<Deigo> We just fell through the mother of all plot holes.
 
> "NCC-2893, USS Stargazer," Clinton read. "Well that wasn't what
>I expected. 
 
Sakura:<Chelsea> Ho-hum. Back to work.
 
>Ensign, secure your station and take communications. Lets
>see if my friend Marrissa is still on board."
 
<All stare blankly>
 
All: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
 
Kero: Dear God! Chelsea works for the Dark Side!!
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa a la Darth Vader> Join me, Chelsea, and we shall rule the universe.
 
> Glinn Gusat, the Stargazer's Cardassian first officer entered
>the bridge. "I heard that we have just encountered an old Earth ship."
 
Kero:<Gusat> I picked it up telepathically. Troi isn’t the only one with a background in mind-reading.
 
> "Very old, Glinn," Captain Washington said. 
 
Sakura:<Washington> There’s about an inch of dust on it. It must’ve been in the attic forever.
 
>"Lieutenant Lavelle, what do we know on that ship."
 
Tomoyo: Shouldn’t that be “What do we know about that ship?”
 
Syaoran: Just smile and nod.
 
> "The USS Stargazer was a Exploratory Class space ship
>commissioned in 2008," Sam Lavelle began. "She had a crew of 12. Her
>mission was to gather data on Saturn, its rings and moons. She
>disappeared on May 5, 2010. 
 
Kero: Must be wonderful to be able to just pull all that information out of thin air.
 
>Her Commanding Officer was Captain Clinton."
> "Chelsea Clinton?" Marrissa interrupted.
 
Syaoran:<Lavelle> No. Bill Clinton.
 
Sakura:<Marrissa> Oh. Then start charging phasers.
 
> "Yes," Lavelle confirmed. "The daughter of the forty-second
>president of the United States."
 
Kero:<sighs> She became an early captain in StarFleet, commanded a vessel and still can’t ditch the shadow of 
Wonderdummy.
 
> "I know them both," Marrissa replied.
 
Sakura:<Marrissa> They’re pathetic losers.
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa> I learned fast not to let Bill bring me within fifty feet of a humidor.
 
> "How is that possible, Commander," Gusat inquired.
 
Syaoran:<Gusat> Apparently, our question marks are off-line too.
 
Sakura:<Marrissa> I fell through a plot hole the size of Gibraltar.
 
> "Lets just say I was involved in a temporal problem, and leave
>it at that," Marrissa responded.
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa> It was icky! I can still feel that pervert’s secret sauce covered hands trying to grope me.
 
> "Captain, I'm receiving a radio hail form that ship," Lochard
>responded.
 
Kero:<Lochard> It’s filled with snow.
 
> "Lets hear it," the Captain responded.
 
Kero:<message, singing>Now we’re back in the atmosphere, the drops of Saturn in our hair. Heeeey, heeey!
 
Sakura: You’re going to get us sued by Train, you know that.
 
> "This is Captain Chelsea Clinton of the United States Spaceship
>Stargazer USA-75, to the USS Stargazer NCC-2893. Please respond on
>channel 7."
 
Sakura: …at 11:00! Our headlines tonight…
 
> "It repeats after that," Lochard said.
 
All:<singing> This is the hail that never ends!
 
> "Lieutenant Commander Picard, what does channel 7 refer to,"
>Washington asked.
 
Kero: And without a question mark. Quite impressive.
 
Syaoran: Maybe Ratliff’s keyboard was raided by The Riddler.
 
> "Early visual broadcasts, known as television," Marrissa stated.
>"7 is one of the VHF channels, one of the better part of the broadcast
>spectrum."
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa> I mean, UHF! Gawd! What were they thinking?
 
Syaoran: Oh great. Now I have Marrissa talking like Yuffie Kisaragi stuck in my head.
 
> "Lavelle, can you configure our communications system to that
>frequency?" Washington inquired.
 
All: OH MY GOD!! AN ACTUAL QUESTION!!
 
Kero: Alex Trebek may faint.
 
> "Confirmed, give me a minute," Lavelle responded. He worked at
>his console for a moment. "Ready."
> "On screen," Washington ordered.
 
Kero:<Washington> How do you like my Picard impression?
 
Sakura:<Marrissa> Shave your head and we’ll talk.
 
> On board the original Stargazer, the communications screen began
>receiving the signal from it's successor. 
 
Syaoran: Let’s talk. One Stargazer to another.
 
>The bridge of the starship appeared. Captain Clinton observed a human with pointed ears 
>sitting in the center seat. 
 
Tomoyo:<Chelsea> Arwen! We haven’t seen you since “Lord Of The Rings”!
 
>On her right side was an alien like nothing she'd ever seen. 
 
Sakura:<Chelsea> Ripley! Look out behind you!!
 
>He, she, or it had white skin with heavy scale like eye ridges
>and a spoon like depression above the nose. The alien's neck looked
>like an over-muscled bodybuilder's. 
 
Kero: It’s a look that was definitely not worth seven hours in the make-up chair.
 
>However standing to the left of the center seat was a familiar face that she hadn't 
>seen for over a dozen years. 
 
Syaoran: And hoped she wouldn’t see for a dozen more.
 
>Marrissa hadn't aged a day. 
 
Sakura: Being God and all.
 
>There was another alien at the center forward console, but all the other 
>positions seemed to be filled by humans.
> "This is Captain Chelsea Clinton of the spaceship Stargazer ...
>can you tell me when and where I am and how I got here."
 
Kero:<Marrissa> Not a clue.
 
> "I am Captain T'Gwen Washington of the Federation starship
>Stargazer. I can't answer the last question, but you are on the edge of
>the Federation-Cardassian Demilitarized Zone and the year is 2373."
 
Tomoyo:<Chelsea> Aw, crap! I knew we shouldn’t have let Doc Brown design the Stargazer.
 
> "Should I expect a way back?" Clinton asked. 
 
All:<singing> Gotta get back in time!
 
Sakura:<Washington> Well, you’ll need to accelerate to Warp 8.8 and you’ll need some plutonium.
 
> Captain Washington looked at Marrissa. Washington tilled her
>head in an inquiry, 
 
Kero: She’s whacking herself with a garden hoe?
 
Sakura: Kero…
 
>and Marrissa shook her head. "I do not foresee one," Washington responded.
 
Tomoyo:<Washington> But then, Ratliff never tells me anything.
 
> "Then since I have no faster than light drive, I request a tow
>to the nearest Federation base," Clinton responded.
 
Kero:<Chelsea> The engine’s flooded and the rad’s busted.
 
> "Agreed, I'll send Lieutenant Commander Picard on board as my
>liaison," Washington responded. 
 
Sakura:<Chelsea> Uh… On second thought, we’re in no hurry!
 
>"We should be able to tow you to Deep Space Nine in about an hour. 




>Starship Stargazer out."
 
Kero: Of it’s mind.
 
>Chapter Two
 
Syaoran: Electric Boogaloo.
 
> A column of light appeared on the bridge of the spaceship
>Stargazer. 
 
Sakura:<Lucia from “Lunar 2: Eternal Blue”> Your ship is in great danger. I must speak to Althena immediately.
 
>As it disappeared, a young blond girl in a Starfleet uniform
>materialized. 
 
Kero: Being God, Marrissa teleported using her own holy light.
 
>Captain Chelsea Clinton looked up at the girl. "Welcome
>aboard, Marrissa."
 
Tomoyo:<Chelsea, whispering> Quick! Set the Self-Destruct!
 
> "Thank you, Captain," the Lieutenant Commander replied.
 
Sakura:<Marrissa> Now kiss my feet, mortal!
 
> "What don't remember my name, Marrissa," Chelsea Clinton stated.
 
Kero:<Chelsea a la Killer from “Scream”> Hello… Marrissa… Remember me?
 
Tomoyo:<Chelsea> Not so God-like after all, eh, ‘Rissa?
 
Sakura:<Marrissa> Don’t patronize me, chubby-face.
 
Tomoyo:<Chelsea> My face in NOT chubby!!
 
>"After all that mess back before the launch of the Athena. How long has
>it been?"
 
Kero:<Chelsea> Not long enough.
 
> "Three months for me," Marrissa responded. "And you?"
> "Almost a dozen years," Clinton replied. "How is my ship going
>to be towed?"
 
Sakura:<Marrissa> It’s your own fault for parking in the red zone, sister.
 
> "We're going to bring it between the upper warp pair and the
>saucer," Marrissa explained. "We'll use the docking tractor beam units
>to secure the ship then we'll proceed at warp 5 to Deep Space Nine."
 
Kero: Oh, great. We’re moving the setting to boredom central.
 
Sakura: Break out the coffee. We’re gonna need it. 
 
> "I assume you are our harbor pilot," Clinton said. "I hope you
>know how to fly my ship."
 
Kero:<Marrissa> I see you’ve forgotten how absolutely perfect I am. Stand aside, puny human.
 
> Marrissa surveyed the controls. "It's not much different from
>that shuttlecraft your father had me flying for him."
 
Kero:<clears throat>
 
Sakura: Don’t go there.
 
> "Then Commander, take the helm," Clinton ordered. "Try not to
>bump into anything important."
 
All: Ooohhhhh!!
 
Tomoyo: Do I sense a little animosity here?
 
> "Have you been taking to Wesley or something," Marrissa asked,
>beginning to bring the little craft around the back of the starship
>Stargazer.
 
Kero: ICK! I hope not!!
 
Syaoran: Chelsea Clinton and Wesley Crusher? And I thought Jay and Marrissa were going to win “Most Disturbing Couple” 
in this series.
 
> "I wish," Clinton responded. The rest of the maneuver was
>accomplished in silence. 
 
Kero: As everyone wondered what the hell Chelsea was talking about.
 
>The spaceship moved up behind the starship and between and slightly to the left of starship's 
>upper starboard warp engine and it's saucer section. 
 
<All stare blankly>
 
Kero: I have no idea what to say to that.
 
>Blue tractor beams lanced out and secured the space ship. Soon the view out the front window  
>of the spaceship Stargazer was one that it had never seen before.
 
Kero: A close up of Marrissa’s butt.
 
All: Eeeeeeeewwwwwww…
 
> Stars streaked by the ship, giving visible evidence of the speed
>they were going. Chelsea Clinton sighed, "It's beautiful."
 
Kero: I bet she’s got that sparkly-eyed thing going on.
 
Syaoran:<Han Solo> Been there, done that.
 
> Marrissa looked up at the window. It wasn't anything special.
 
Sakura:<Marrissa> Vast expanse of the Universe, pffft!
 
>Marrissa had spent most of her life on starships, first the Galaxy, then
>the Enterprise, and now the Stargazer. 
 
Sakura: Passed from ship to ship, hoping that there would finally come a crew that could tolerate her.
 
>She couldn't remember what it was like the first time she had seen the stars 
>streaking by at warp. It was an every day background to her life. Still it 
>must be something special the first time.
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa> It must be fun being a puny naïve mortal.
 
> "Message from Deep Space Nine," Lieutenant Ross Lochard
>announced on the bridge of the starship Stargazer. 
 
Kero:<Lochard> They’re banning us from docking with Marrissa on board.
 
>"Imminent invasion of Dominion forces is indicated. Request assistance of all available
>starships."
 
Syaoran: That’s handy.
 
Kero: Looks like the Tank Police finally moved on to conquer space.
 
> "Mister Dukat, increase speed to maximum," the Captain ordered.
 
Sakura:<Coco Hearts> Speed MAXIMUM!
 
Syaoran:<Col. Sandurz> Prepare ship for LUDICROUS SPEED!
 
>"Notify Captain Clinton."
 
Kero:<Washington> …that her ship is about to be crushed like a tin can.
 
> This was not the type of universe Chelsea had pictured when she
>had realized she had been thrown three hundred sixty-two years into the
>future. 
 
Sakura:<Chelsea> This isn’t at all like “Blade Runner”! What a gyp!
 
>"You mean these shape shifters plan to invade the whole
>quadrant?"
 
Tomoyo: So, Chelsea magically knows who the Dominion are?
 
> "It looks like that," Marrissa Picard informed the spaceship
>captain from the past.
 
Kero: Oh, gee… Why not be more specific, Steve.
 
> "What about my crew?" Clinton asked. "What about my ship?"
 
Sakura:<Chelsea> It just got a new paint job and a fresh coat of wax!
 
> "We'd like to take your crew aboard my ship for the moment,"
>Marrissa responded. "As for your ship, we're going to place it in orbit
>of Bajor Seven until this clears up."
 
Sakura:<Marrissa> Just a minor war, nothing to worry about.
 
> "I'd like to stay aboard her," Clinton stated. "My crew can
>leave however."
 
Tomoyo:<Chelsea> I like having the place to myself. I can soak in a bubble bath, eat chocolate and watch Soaps all afternoon.
 
> "Captain, it's better for both you and your ship if you come
>aboard the Stargazer," Marrissa responded, forgetting for the moment
>that both ships shared the name. 
 
Kero: Ha, ha! That wacky Marrissa!
 
Sakura:<Chelsea> But I’m already on the Stargazer!
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa> D’oh!
 
>"If it appears that the ship is empty and nonfunctional, they will leave it alone. If someone 
> is aboard, then they might decide to destroy it."
 
Kero: Ummm… Wouldn’t the Dominion be more interested in blowing up ships that have, you know, weapons?
 
> "You have a point, Commander," Clinton conceded. 
 
Tomoyo:<Chelsea> It’s on your head.
 
>"I'll beam aboard the starship."
 
Sakura:<Chelsea> I know better than to mess with God-Girl’s decisions. 
 
> "Thank you Captain," Marrissa responded. "Picard to Stargazer,
>beam all the crew aboard."
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa> Hello?! Are you listening to me?!!
 
Kero:<Chelsea> Tap the communicator first, dumbass.
 
Sakura:<Marrisa a la Ayeka> Is this thing on?
 
>Chapter Three
 
Kero: Uh… High Speed Edge?
 
> The starship Stargazer held at station keeping just above Deep
>Space Nine. 
 
Syaoran: I don’t suppose Ratliff is going to explain how the Stargazer ended up three hundred years in the future.
 
Sakura: I doubt it.
 
>Below them Captain Sisko was about to attempt to close the
>wormhole. 
 
Kero:<Sisko a la Vernon Dursley> There’ll be no more Hogwarts letters through THIS wormhole!
 
>The crew of the Stargazer hoped they would be successful.
 
Tomoyo: But somehow, nailing boards over it didn’t seem particularly helpful.
 
>They had heard what had happened to the listening stations, the Sarajevo
 
Kero: Sarajevo?!
 
Syaoran: Along with the Bosnia, the Bangladesh and the Palestine.
 
>and other starships, and Bajor's colony in the Gamma Quadrant. They did
>not want it to happen here.
 
Sakura: Hey! Who did?
 
> Deep Space Nine opened fire. 
 
Tomoyo: Why? There’s no one to shoot at yet?
 
Syaoran:<weapons officer> Urge to kill… rising…
 
Kero:<Dark Helmet> Fire a warning shot across it’s nose.
 
>A beam shot out at the wormhole.
 
Kero:<wormhole> Beam me up!
 
>It opened and the fire continued. 
 
Kero:<Dilandau> Burn! BURN! BUUUUURNNNN!!!
 
>Then Deep Space Nine ceased, but the wormhole didn't close. Instead a fleet of Jem'Hadar 
>warships emerged.
 
Kero: Fire a weapon into the wormhole and warships emerge.
 
Tomoyo: New Wormhole Brand Insta-Ship!
 
>  "Hold your fire, Duvek," Captain Washington ordered.
 
Kero: No shooting at warships! Just space anomalies!
 
Syaoran:<Duvek> Ow! Ow! Hot! Can I put it down now?!
 
> The Jem'Hadar ships turned, but that wasn't the only ship
>moving. A Klingon Bird of Prey moved from the Alpha Quadrant lines.
>"What is Dad doing," Dukat Mikor wondered.
 
Kero:<Dukat> Don’t tell me he’s drunk at the helm again.
 
Syaoran:<Dukat> Has he stolen the question marks again?
 
> "Captain, the Defiant is hailing the Klingon ship," Lieutenant
>Lavelle said from Ops. "Tight beam response from the Klingon ship."
 
Tomoyo: TIGHT… BEAM… ACTION!!!
 
Sakura: Tomoyo-chan…
 
>There was a long pause. 
 
Sakura:<Marrissa> Uh… Line?
 
>"Transmission has ended. Defiant reports Cardassians have joined the Dominion." 
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa> Yaaaayyy!! More species to kill!! ^_^
 
Sakura: Where’d you learn that?
 
Tomoyo: From Kero-Chan!
 
Kero: ^-^
 
Syaoran: Stop that!
 
> Captain Washington and Lieutenant Commander Picard turned to
>face the ship's Cardassian First Officer. "I haven't been informed of
>such an action. Not even a hint of one," Glinn Gusat responded.
 
Kero:<Gusat, whimpering> Please don’t kill me, Marrissa!!
 
>"Lieutenant, can you open a channel to Cardassian Central Command. I
>wonder if they know about this." As he spoke, the Jem'Hadar ships and
>Gul Dukat's ship warped toward Cardassia.
 
Sakura: Why wouldn’t they? It was their idea, wasn’t it?
 
> "You heard him, Lieutenant," Washington confirmed. 
> "Aye sir," Lavelle responded. And after a moment spoke up
>again. "Legate Dudar, commanding Central Command on screen."
 
Tomoyo:<Lavelle> He’s kinda splattered on the windshield… Heh…
 
Kero:<singing> He floated through space with the greatest of ease, until he went SPLAT at the Stargazer’s knees! 
 
> "Glinn Gusat, what is this nonsense about the Dominion," Dudar
>inquired.
 
Syaoran: No. To be an inquiry it would need to be a question.
 
> "It seems Gul Dukat has been very busy. He says he's been
>negotiating with the Dominion in order to merge with them," Gusat
>responded.
 
Kero:<Gusat> Although, why he needs to bring his secretary, I’ll never know.
 
Sakura: Kero…
 
> "Ridiculous," Dudar responded.
 
Kero: He’s commenting on the fic! ^-^
 
<Syaoran whacks him>
 
Syaoran: I said STOP THAT!
 
> "I don't know Legate, but that fleet I just saw warping your way
>didn't look like it was coming for a vacation," Marrissa spoke up.
 
Tomoyo: Come to Deep Space Nine and live the good life!
 
Kero:<Riker> I gave up going to Risa for THIS?!
 
>"Lavelle, transmit our readings on that fleet."
 
Sakura: Sure! Then they’ll know all our weaknesses!
 
> Dudar looked down at his console, then quickly back up at them.
 
Syaoran:<Dudar> Anybody know how this thing works?
 
>"I had no idea, and I can be pretty sure that my government had none as
>well," Dudar pleaded. "Can you do anything to help. My fleet can't do
>anything against that."
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa> Oh, quit whining, you pathetic wuss!
 
> "I'll see what I can do," Washington promised. "Meanwhile I
>suggest you set up a resistance." The channel closed. 
 
Kero: SCTV is off the air!
 
Tomoyo:<Washington> Okay. Let’s get the hell out of here.
 
>"Lavelle, I want continuous monitoring of Cardassian Space. Gusat, come with me.
>Picard, deal with our visitors from the past. Lochard, you have the
>bridge."
 
Sakura:<Washington> That is all!
 
> Marrissa Picard entered the Fighter Conference lounge of the
>Stargazer. The room was designed so that she could debrief all 49 of
>the ship's fighter pilots at once. 
 
Sakura: Isn’t she supposed to be dealing with Chelsea and her crew?
 
Syaoran: Yeah. Like Marrissa ever follows orders.
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa> Like, guy! She totally forgot who’s running the show around here!
 
>Today it seemed vacant with only the dozen crew members of the spaceship Stargazer 
>seated around the second table. 
 
Sakura: The fighter pilots had long since abandoned the ship.
 
>"Sorry it took so long for me to get to you," she apologized.
 
Kero:<Marrissa> Busy day at my shrine. 
 
> "That's OK, Commander," Chelsea Clinton responded. "I'm sure
>this ship puts a lot of demands on your time."
 
Syaoran: And I thought Jay Gordon was a suck up.
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa> Thank you, Chelsea. You can pry your lips from my butt now.
 
Sakura: Ick!
 
> "You don't know the half of it," Picard responded. 
 
Kero:<Marrissa> Like, I have almost no time to turn water into wine anymore!
 
Sakura: More like “whine”.
 
Syaoran: Heh.
 
>"I've talked with Starfleet, and we don't think that returning you to the
>twenty-first century would be a good idea or even possible. 
 
Kero: Oh, since when has THAT ever stopped you?
 
>Especially since your disappearance was a primary force in the formation of the
>United Earth Space Probe Organization, from which Starfleet comes from."
 
Sakura: We’re wandering into “Time Speeder” territory here.
 
> "How can that be Commander?" Ensign Deigo asked.
 
Sakura:<Marrissa> It’s easy to be Commander when you’re as great as I am!
 
> "Ten days after your ship's disappearance, it was discovered
>that the Chinese had a ship that was just entering Saturn orbit when you
>disappeared," Marrissa explained. "It was felt that if the Chinese had
>known, perhaps they could have saved you. 
 
Kero:<snort> Not in this universe.
 
Syaoran: Hey!
 
Tomoyo: No one could have saved them from Ratliff’s plot contrivance powers, Li-kun.
 
>Coupled with an earlier disappearance of the Yorkshire from Jupiter orbit 
 
Kero: The pudding vanished from Jupiter’s orbit?! Nooooooooo!!!
 
>and the destruction of the Osaka in route to Mars, it lead to the formation of the UESPO. 
 
Syaoran: Who knew international space programs were so bungling?
 
Tomoyo: Maybe hiring Inspector Clouseau as flight director was a bad idea.
 
>The disappearances showed the dangers and the rescue of the Osaka's crew by
>the crew of the Apollo showed that cooperation could save lives."
 
Sakura: I thought the Osaka was destroyed.
 
Kero: Ooooh… Apollo. Nice to see the Americans still have that flair for originality.
 
> "OK, so what is going to happen to us?" Lieutenant Commander
>Shoemate asked.
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa> You’ll be stuck in a cardboard box labeled 13 ½.
 
Kero:<Shoemate> Woo-hoo!
 
> "Well, you do have the option to join Starfleet at your current
>rank," Marrissa stated. "You'd have to go though a couple years of
>training, probably, with some of you that may be on the job training,
>like I have gotten. 
 
Syaoran: Yeah. Catching up on three hundred years of technology is no sweat.
 
>If not, then the Office of Displaced Persons and Colonization will help you adjust 
>to modern times and assist you in finding a home."
 
Sakura: …where the buffalo roam and the skies are not cloudy all day.
 
Kero: Displaced Persons, huh? Nice to see political correctness is still around in the twenty fourth century.
 
> "That's all well and good for long range, but what about
>immediate plans?" Deigo asked.
 
Syaoran:<Deigo> They need to be taken care of IMMEDIATELY!!
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa> Switch to decaf, buddy.
 
> "We will be transferring you to Deep Space Nine and then taking
>you to Earth when the next Starship departs for there." Marrissa
>responded. 
 
Kero: Hopefully before you die of boredom.
 
>"Your ship has been docked at Deep Space Nine's upper pylon
>two, not an easy job. 
 
Sakura: Considering it’s just a giant orange plastic cone.
 
>You can retrieve your stuff from her at any time. She will be taken with you to the Fleet 
>museum orbiting Neptune."
> "Commander, I'd like to make a request concerning my ship's
>return," Clinton asked. "I'd like to return her to Earth orbit on her
>own power and then take her to the museum myself."
 
Kero:<Chelsea> I’ve seen how the bozos in this series fly a ship.
 
> "I'll pass it along," Marrissa stated. "But I see no reason why
>your request can't be granted."
 
Kero:<Marrissa> After all the request comes from ME!
 
> "Thank you Commander," Clinton thanked. "I assume you have
>quarters assigned for us on Deep Space Nine?"
 
Kero: As well as nickels and dimes too!
 
> "Yes, and I've also convinced the Fleet to pay you the current
>rates for your service since you launched from Earth," Marrissa stated.
 
Tomoyo:<Marrissa> Unfortunately, inflation has made what you get paid worthless, but still…
 
>"Since NASA had a pay on return policy, I figured it was due to you. So
>you all have two years worth of pay at your current ranks in the
>accounts I set up for you."
 
Kero: Shouldn’t they be sending her back pay for three hundred years?
 
Sakura: That’d be one BIG cheque!
 
> "Thank you commander," Clinton responded. "How you pulled that
>one off, I don't know."
 
Syaoran: But we do.
 
Kero: Yeah. It’s a plot device Steve pulled from where the sun don’t shine.
 
Tomoyo: Ick!
 
> "Simple," Marrissa said. "I have a very good Yeoman assigned to
>me. 
 
Kero:<Marrissa> Very, VERY good!
 
Sakura: I do NOT like that mental picture.
 
Syaoran: Bleah!
 
>I asked her to find out any way to get you some starting cash,
>because despite what most of the Federation claims, money is still
>something one needs. 
 
Tomoyo: Since when? Name one time anyone on the Enterprise ever needed money.
 
>She found the clause that merged the UESPO into Starfleet, and a similar clause for the NASA 
>merger into UESPO. And then she discovered that you hadn't been paid for two years. I just
>convinced Starfleet Payroll to pay up. They're still calculating the
>hazard pay for temporal travel."
 
Syaoran: Boy… This is so riveting that… Zzzzzzzzzz…
 
Sakura: Some authors can get away with making this kind of detail interesting. Ratliff isn’t one of them.
 
> A hundred or so Cardassians who had been stationed on the
>Stargazer gathered in her fighter bay. Captains Washington and Sisko,
>and Glinn Gusat stood before them. "Gentlemen, Cardassia is now a part
>of the Dominion," Glinn Gusat announced. "As such, they are now
 
Syaoran:<Gusat> …planning to shoot us dead.
 
>withdrawing us from the Stargazer. Joint operations are now ended. A
>warship will be picking us up at 0700 hours tomorrow morning. 
 
Tomoyo: Yeah. Don’t take the enemy prisoner or anything. Just let them go.
 
>Now Captain Sisko has an offer for you."
 
Syaoran:<Sisko> I’m selling these fine leather jackets!
 
> "Gentlemen, we have reason to believe that the take over by the
>Dominion was not peaceful," Sisko began. "Several executions of
>Cardassian leadership have been broadcast including the head of the
>Detapa Council and Legate Dudar. 
 
Kero: LIVE from Cardassia! It’s the Saturday Night Execution!
 
Syaoran:<Sisko> Then again, it might just be a new Reality TV thing.
 
>Therefore, the Federation is offering Political asylum to any one who believes that 
>their life may be in danger upon their return. Now Captain Washington would like to 
>have a word with you."
 
Sakura:<Washington> Cashmere… That is all.
 
Tomoyo:<Washington> After we cross the Delaware, we will be assured of victory over the red coats.
 
> "Gentlemen, I've found you all almost without exception to be
>some of the best officers that I've had the honor of commanding,"
>Captain T'Gwen Washington responded, without showing a sign of emotion.
 
Tomoyo:<Washington, monotone> No. Really. I mean it.
 
Kero:<Washington> Yeah. I’m an excellent driver.
 
>"I have made such notations on your records for the personal review
>which Glinn Gusat just completed with the assistance of Commander
>Picard. Commander Picard has a gift for her fighter pilots before they
>leave. Please stop by her quarters. 
 
Kero: Okay, I do NOT want to know what she is giving them.
 
>It's been an honor commanding you. Dismissed."
 
All: Thank you!
 
<They leave.>
 
**
 
 Syaoran, Tomoyo and Kero continued to debate about the giant robot question as Meiling served strawberry daiquiris 
in honor of the experiment.
 “Well…” Kero began. “They both have cool uniforms, Asuka has that freaky thing about her mother in her past and 
Elly has flashbacks to that bad trip involving the Drive…”
 “Guys…” said Sakura as she walked in. Meanwhile, a Tomoyo plushie was scaling up the side of the daiquiri pitcher. 
“Shouldn’t we be talking about the fanfic?”
 “What’s to talk about?” asked Tomoyo.
 “Well…” Kero began, taking another sip from his daiquiri. “I was a little surprised that Ratliff is revisiting the plot of 
‘Time Speeder’, the one fic he wrote that even HE hated.”
 “What happened in that one?” Meiling asked as she took a seat and picked up a glass.
 “Well,” said Sakura as she sat down. “In ‘Time Speeder’, an anti-Federation terrorist hijacked a Starfleet ship and 
went  back in time to prevent the Federation from ever being formed.”
 “Ignoring the obvious paradox, of course,” said Kero. The Tomoyo plushie overbalanced and fell head first into the 
pitcher.
 “Paradox?” asked Meiling.
 “If the guy succeeds and destroys the Federation, then the ship he stole will never exist,” Syaoran explained. “So how 
will he go back in time?”
 “Oh, let’s face it,” Tomoyo muttered. “The message is that the Federation can do whatever the hell they want as long 
as it doesn’t affect them. In ‘Enterprized’, Ratliff’s first fic, Picard used an illegal cloaking device and went back in time to save 
the crew of the Enterprise C.”
 Suddenly, alarms and sirens rang out.
  “OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!” Sakura cried out.
 As Sakura and the others rushed into the theater, one of them knocked over the now empty daiquiri pitcher. The 
Tomoyo plushie stumbled out hiccupping before falling off the edge of the table.
 
 
CONTINUED IN PART 2…